


Be The One

by lovesfaceonit



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Past Abuse, Uni AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-28
Updated: 2015-02-07
Packaged: 2018-02-19 01:57:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2370200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovesfaceonit/pseuds/lovesfaceonit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis is in his 3rd year at university and has yet managed to meet someone that's worthy of a second glance. He's resorted to locking himself away in his room with chinese takeaway on the weekends, only emerging into the living area when Zayn brings him something other than chicken fried rice, solely convinced that love doesn't exist and soul mates are not real. </p><p>Or the one where Louis is a lonely uni student and then Harry comes along</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sifting Through The Madness

**Author's Note:**

> The title is taken from the song Be The One by The Fray for obvious reasons. this is a work in progress so bear with me please 
> 
>  be sure to leave a kudos or a comment if you liked it! <3
> 
> Also find me on tumblr at leedsfate :o)
> 
> listen the corresponding playlist: http://8tracks.com/leedsfate/be-the-one

Louis is in his 3rd year at university and has yet managed to meet someone that's worthy of a second glance. He's resorted to locking himself away in his room with chinese takeaway on the weekends, only emerging into the living area when Zayn brings him something other than chicken fried rice, solely convinced that love doesn't exist and soul mates are not real. 

"Mate, you're gonna turn _into_ fucking fried rice if you don't get out more."  
"Zayn, you are the soy sauce in everyone's life. No one _really_ likes it, they just tolerate it out of respect."  
"Fuck you man, 'm just concerned that's all."  
Louis gives a half smile and nod. He knows Zayn only wants the best for him, and he knows Zayn knows, even if he can't express it. 

Zayn's his best friend and has been ever since grade 7 when he started a food fight in the cafeteria and somehow formed an alliance with Zayn. Only god knows how that happened, but it did and Louis' not complaining. He's been there through it all. When Louis first told him he liked boys in grade 9 and Zayn shrugged it off. When Louis thought he'd met the love of his life in grade 11 only come to find out all he _really_ met was the biggest arsehole in the universe and Zayn threatened to kill the guy who thought he could break Louis and get away with it. When in his first year of university he was so wasted he didn't even know his own name the night before finals and Zayn stayed up with him all night making sure he didn't drown face down in the toilet. So basically Zayn is the best mate Louis could've ever asked for and he really doesn't deserve him. 

"Ni and I are going to the cafe. You in?" Zayn says poking his head into Louis' room.  
"As much as I want to say yes, I'm gonna have to go with no. I'd rather not spend my Sunday night eating dodgy café food when I could sit in the comfort of my bed eating chicken fried rice."  
"Dude, you've got to fucking chill with the chicken fried rice."

~~  
Louis is a poor, poor unfortunate soul. It's 12pm on a Monday and he's already managed to sleep through his morning classes, step into about 7 puddles of water, and lock his keys in his car.  
"I'm dropping out. I swear to fucking god I'm dropping out." All Zayn hears through his phone is a very mad and melodramatic Louis Tomlinson. He's learned by now that Louis means about 10% of what he actually says, so he takes close to nothing seriously.  
"Just email your professor and get the notes. There. problem solved."  
"Oh yes, why didn't I think of that. Thanks for the suggestion, but next time I'd rather you fuck off. I don't give a fuck about the notes, I give a fuck about how I'm gonna get my only set of keys out of the ignition of my car within the next hour. I'm an important person, Zayn. I have places to be."

"Yeah, real fucking important says the guy who leaves his room twice a week. I'll let you have this one Tommo, but only because your life fucking sucks."  
“Wow, gee... thanks for the reminder, mate!” Louis hangs up and wonders why he even exists today.  
He’s given up all hope of getting his keys and is sat on the concrete leaning against the driver side of his car when out of the corner of his eye he sees someone walking his way.

“Yes, I know I probably look like a fucking idiot sitting here, but i’m fine thanks. I don’t need your help.” The words come out more harshly than Louis would’ve liked.

The person ignores him and comes to sit down beside him.

“I don’t think you’re fine.” 

“Who the fuck even are you? Can’t a guy sit without people assuming he’s having some sort of mental freak out?” 

“Well, for one, it’s raining. and two, it’s raining.” 

“As if I didn’t know that, thank you captain obvious.”

“You wouldn’t be sitting on the ground in the middle of an empty car park if everything was alright, that’s all i’m saying.” The boy’s voice is gentle and warm and Louis wonders how his life has become a scene in a Lifetime movie.

“My keys are locked in my car.” Louis is defeated and lets out a sigh of discomfort.

“Good thing I found ya then!” As the boy gets up he reaches out a hand for Louis to pull himself up.

“Um, thanks.” Louis’ voice is so quiet he’s not sure it was even loud enough to hear.

“Yeah, no problem. I’m actually the best at getting into locked cars, lucky you.” The boy pulls a coat hanger out of his bag as if its casual.

He inserts the hanger into the keyhole, twists it a few times, and screams “Expecto Patronum!”.

“That spell is completely irrelevant to the current situation we’re in right now, mate.”  
“Yeah I know, but it’s the only spell I remember right now so just go with it.”

The boy removes the hanger and pulls on the door and by some outside force that’s watching over Louis apparently, the door opens.

Louis stands there in amazement that this random boy who he’s never seen before has just opened his car door with a coat hanger and a random Harry Potter spell. Things like this would only ever happen to him.

“I honestly can’t begin to thank you enough. What can I do to pay you back?” 

“Nothing, I’m just here to help.” The boy smiles, reassuring Louis that he doesn’t need payment.

“Wait, fuck, what’s your name?” Louis’ losing his mind because this boy is so fit and he’s never seen him before, he can’t be real.

“Harry. And you?”

“I’m Louis, Louis Tomlinson.” Louis racks his brain wondering how and why he’s never seen this boy before.

“Nice to meet you Louis, maybe i’ll see ya around!”

~~  
“So I see you fixed your car delima.”  
“Yeah no thanks to you.” Louis says half sarcastically half seriously as he throws his keys on the counter.  
“Thanks to who then?” Zayn finally looks up from the tv screen. He’s slightly obsessed with Breaking Bad. He says slightly. Louis says majorly. It’s still an ongoing debate.

“Harry.” Louis tries his absolute hardest not to smile.  
“He’s probably the fittest guy i’ve ever seen in my fucking life and I was a prick, so thankfully i’ll never have to see him ever again.” Louis cringes at the thought of ever coming face to face with him.

“Poor guy, he probably is going to go into the witness protection program so he doesn’t have to see your face again.”  
“Funny. Why don’t you piss off?” Louis smiles sarcastically and flicks Zayn off.


	2. You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes Sense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis is gone for Harry. Harry is the sun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Partly inspired by Harry's love for Charles Bukowski, my love for autumn, and purple hair Perrie (rip).

It's been almost 3 weeks since his encounter with Harry. He won't admit it, but he's maybe thought about him most of the time since then. He's also come to terms that Harry probably isn't real and he imagined the whole thing. Zayn thinks he's crazy either way.

He's skipped about 3 classes since meeting Harry. He just can't think straight. His brain fills with fuzzy blackness whenever he thinks about the ways his lips moved when talked and how his curly fringe framed his face, illuminating it. Not that he ever really focused in class anyway. He's a drama major, but hasn't put in much effort, if any, into his work sincefirst semester of his first year. Now he has the perfect excuse to slack off. His professor would probably tell him to get his shit together, that no boy is _that_ fit, but Louis could counter back to that argument with 10 reasons why Harry is not like most boys. He doesn't know when he started to defend people other than himself, or when he started daydreaming about boys again, but he feels like a little kid and he's not really complaining. It's nice to feel something other than disappointment and an empty feeling in his stomach for once. 

~~

"All I'm saying is that it's physically impossible to eat that many bags of crisps in one sitting."  
"Zayn no, listen to me. The guy fucking ate 73 bags and didn't let up once... Incredible."  
"Alright whatever, but you're not doing it and I won't watch you."  
Louis has been on a tangent about this guy eating 73 bags of crisps for about half an hour now and the debate is not letting up anytime soon Zayn thinks.  
"I think I can do it, I honestly do."  
"Mate you can't even handle three slices of pizza at one time."  
"Now is not the time for negativity, Zaynie."

They're sat on a bench in the courtyard, positioned under a tree that's providing less than satisfactory amounts of shade. They'll do anything at this point to avoid coursework. Even if it means sitting in the middle of their university where anyone can openly approach them if they wish. The courtyard is filled with the sound of buzzing excitement. It's Autumn, everyone loves autumn, mostly because of all the pumpkin flavored foods and hot chocolates, Louis does love a hot chocolate. The leaves are now a golden color that matches his caramel glazed skin quite perfectly. Louis' got on his favorite wooly jumper and Zayn is decked out in his best leather jacket that he swears he will get married in. The air is crisp with fallen leaves and freshly cut grass. The popsicle stand down the way is selling pumpkin and cinnamon icecream and Louis has to force himself to stay at least 6 meters away from the cart at all times. Any closer is venturing into dangerous, uncharted territory and Louis will not be held responsible for the damage done.

Louis looks up from his daydream about the pumpkin popsicles to see Niall running towards them. They've been friends since his second year when Niall was just in his first year and would sit out in the courtyard everyday playing his guitar and just genuinely enjoying life. Zayn gravitated towards him from the beginning. Opposites attract Louis remembers, as Zayn is quiet and reserved and Niall is neither of those things. They got to know him personally when Perrie and Zayn met by some strange twist of fate. (Louis doesn't care too much for the details, but he does know it involves a late night run to tesco Zayn made and ended up bringing home a Perrie instead of the Maltesers he was meant to get, but he's not complaining) Niall is a music junkie and so Louis' weekends of his second year at uni consisted of mostly karaoke at his and Zayn's flat with Perrie and Niall tagging along. Louis can see how Niall is Perrie's best friend, they're similar in that they're always upbeat and positive and spreading joy, trying to make others happy. Louis can't think of a time that they failed to make him smile when he felt shit. He doesn't deserve such amazing friends. He struck gold with these ones. 

Niall's a lot of fun. He's loud and outgoing and all the girls love him, even some guys. He knows pretty much everyone on campus (something Louis can't say). Zayn knows a lot of people himself, he's an English major with a lot of spare time, but most is spent with Perrie. Louis thinks they're the power couple of their generation, but he won't let Zayn have the satisfaction of knowing he thinks that highly of them.

"Party of the year is happening tonight at my flat! You guys have to be there there's going to be an open keg stand and karaoke and I really can't let this thing flop, just tell everyone you know to be at mine at 9, I've gotta go!" Niall skips off down the courtyard lined with trees turning a muted orange. Just like that Niall is gone before he even arrived. That's a metaphor for his life Louis thinks, Zayn should use that one in his book. Oh, Zayn's also writing a book. Basically Louis is the dirt Zayn walks on. 

It's hard for Louis to feel complete happiness. He's not sure when his heart become a black hole that sucked the life out of him, but it's fucking exhausting. Maybe because his best mate in the universe is succesful and smart (and fucking beautiful might he add) and has a realtionship anyone would die for. Zayn has it all. Things Louis doesn't have. And Louis' life is put on the back burner to accommodate to Zayn's. Not that he minds... not that he has a book deal or is half as successful as Zayn is. He would much rather watch Zayn's life play out than his own, if he's honest. Louis very rarely lets his inner feelings get to him, and he hardly ever addresses them, but recently it's become a feeling he can't shake. He can't exactly pin point the moment he started letting the thoughts creep into his mind, but the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes it was when he met Harry. And he sounds delusional, he knows, but the boy with soft brown, curly locks radiated warmth and happiness and gave him a sense of belonging. He felt a tingling in his tummy and a flutter in his heart, but he pushed it aside. Not now Tommo, he thinks. You'll never see him again, what's the point.  
"Mate, you alright?"  
Oh yeah, Louis exists. He forgets sometimes.  
"Sorry yeah, just thinking. You ready to go then?"  
~~

Louis is jagged around the edges and he occasionally leaves people scraped and hurt with bruises lining the inner core of their heart or mind, and it's not his fault, but he feels like it is. He's accepted no one will love a boy as broken as he is and sometimes he gets lonely, but he has Zayn and Perrie and mostly Niall, and if those people have stayed around for as long as they have he figures he must not be _all_ bad. He must not of hurt them in the process of hurting himself and thinks that's okay.

Louis tries hard to not think about Harry, but his legs give out a little and his brain turns to mush. Louis 0 - Harry 1.

"Wonder if curly boy is going to be here tonight?" Coming from Perrie that's more of a statement than an actual question. She's smiling so big that Louis can't give a sarcastic remark back.  
"Dunno. Probably wouldn't remember my face if he saw it. Doesn't matter though." Louis tells the truth. He would much rather tell her to fuck off because it's none of her business, but she's too fragile for his usual harshness, and frankly he doesn't have the energy to be bitter today.  
"Oh pleeeease, I bet he's drawn a million doodles of your button nose and thought up 93 ways to ask you to run away with him by now." Perrie's mind is mostly daydreams of things Louis would never think up. He wants to live in her head most days.  
"I'm sure there's much prettier people he would rather run away with. He probably thinks I'm an arse.. if he even thinks of me at all."  
"At least pretend you want to be here. We won't be long, but I won't let you waste away another weekend sat in your room." Zayn is harsh, but Louis knows he's just trying to help.  
The walk to Niall's is silent the rest of way. Comfortable silence. Something Louis could probably major in and pass with an easy A.

They arrive at Niall's approximately 43 minutes late. They meaning Zayn, Perrie, and Louis. And late meaning too long spent in front of the mirror and them dragging Louis out of bed. Louis blames Perrie for taking too long to get ready. Perrie blames Louis for taking not _enough_ time to get ready. Zayn's forever caught in the middle of a battle he will never win. Louis would never in a blue moon admit to Perrie that she's as important as she is to him. It would go straight to her purple haired head. (Zayn often calls her his lilac goddess, but Louis pretends he doesn't know for the sake of his sanity and partly Zayn's dignity). 

 

For Niall organizing this party by himself at the spur of the moment it's actually unbelievable. So much so that Louis' wondering if half of this stuff was legally done. He's suspicious, but he honestly doesn't want to be here so what does it matter to him.  
"You guys came! Absolute legends!" Niall screams over the loud music halfway across the room. He's over by the dj with a drink in each hand. The lights are purple and blue and a light green color that cast a glow over Niall's entire face, distorting it a little. Zayn and Perrie disappear into the crowd of half drunk half horny mass of students, most of which he's never seen before. This is Louis' least favorite place to be. He would much rather watch paint dry than attend a college party. Most people would call him insane and say "think about all the free alcohol you're missing out on!!" But Louis stopped turning to alcohol when he realized it didn't dissolve his problems, it just made him remember why he turned to it in the first place. He doesn't have to get drunk to feel numb, he feels that anyway. 

So he wanders down the hall until he's at the end of the corridor and there's no where else to go. There's a door to his left and a door to his right. He's been to Niall's flat a million times before, but for the life of him he can't remember which door leads to Niall's room. No one has ever been home when he was there. Niall has about 5 other flat mates and for some god forsaken reason none of them are ever there when Louis is. 

Louis decides on the left door. He figures no one will be in there anyway even if it isn't Niall's room. 

When he walks inside he almost thinks he's seeing things because there is a beautiful boy with curly brown hair laying there on the bed like there's not some massive project x party happening down the hall. Louis is rendered speechless. Half from embarrassment half from shock. So if Harry is real then he has met him before and he doesn't need to introduce himself. Or does he? He's still confused as to if that whole thing happened. By then he's probably been standing in Harry's doorway a good solid minute, completely frozen. Luckily for him Harry has earphones in and has his face stuck in a book. Charles Bukowski. Louis gets a semi just from that sight. Harry reads Charles Bukowski. That's cool. But if he looks up and sees some major creep with a hard on in his doorway he will probably freak the fuck out and call campus police. Louis can't have that happen again, at least not under these circumstances, with Harry. (Campus police have his personal phone blocked for reasons his freshman self is strangely proud of)  
 _be cool louis_ He actually has to tell himself to be cool. Louis thinks he has the worst luck in the history of the world, which is probably true. Unlucky for him, Harry notices him finally.

His face lights up and Louis thinks he's the most beautiful human he's ever seen. No ones face ever glows while looking at Louis. He wants to take a bath in Harry's dimples. He wants to lick icing from the tip of nose. He wants to wrap himself in Harry's being. He wants to soak him up, to never forget what his face looks like when their eyes meet. How there's a tiny flicker of something, spirit, fate, he doesn't know, but if you'd never catch it if you weren't paying attention.

"Louis!" Harry's face is as bright as a thousand stars as he shouts Louis' name. "Oops, sorry... Forgot about the earphones." He laughs to himself while pulling the chords from his ears.

Louis thinks he might just die right then and there.

"Hi mate, so sorry to barge in on you like this.. I honestly didn't think anyone was going to be in here.."  
"Come sit!" Harry taps his duvet and makes room for Louis in front of him.

Well if he insists... Louis can't possibly say no.

"How've you been? Not getting your keys locked in your car anymore are you?" Harry says in complete and utter seriousness. _Harry is not real. He can't be real._  
"No no, I think I learned my lesson. Thank you again by the way." Louis is struggling with words.

He's literally sat on Harry's bed, in Harry's room, talking to Harry himself. 

"Didn't think I was ever going to see you again, left without getting your number or even asking where you lived." Harry seems so genuinely concerned that Louis might melt.  
"That's okay, no worries mate. I did the exact same." _Why the fuck do I keep calling him mate_ is the only thought in Louis' brain. Wanting to kiss your friend is not very friendly at all. Friends don't do things like that. (It's a stretch calling Harry a friend, but louis will take what he can get)

Louis doesn't even know if Harry likes boys so he might've just wasted an actual month fantisizing about a heterosexual male in his spare time.

"So you live with Zayn then?" Harry brings Louis back down from the cloud he's currently living on.  
"Yeah, and Perrie for the most part. She doesn't actually live there, but she's there enough to consider her a flat mate I'd say."

"Oh, sounds amazing compared to me. I live with 5 other guys. Not too horrible, but the house is always a mess." 

"You'd hate my room then, shit everywhere." 

Harry laughs at that and Louis can feel his lungs exploding.

"Might could handle it if you were in the mix." Harry smirks and Louis almost throws up.

Louis blushes. He's shit at interacting with anyone who isn't Perrie or Zayn. He feels so small. Like he's under a microscope and there's no way out.

"I didn't know you lived here with Niall?" Louis changes the subject as best as he knows how. His social skills are a bit rusty. The funny thing is that he actually was incredible at interacting with people at one point in time. He had unbelievably amazing social skills. He used to be the life of the party and center of attention everywhere he went, people were drawn to him like moths to a flame, and he loved it. He thrived from all the attention. He lived to make people laugh. Pain changes people and Louis knows that first hand. 

"Yeah ever since my first year here I've lived with Niall. We've moved houses, but always been under the same roof."

_why didn't Niall fucking let me in on this guy a year ago._

"Strange how we've never crossed paths, innit?"  
"Yeah, I've always just done my own thing. Niall is my best mate, but we tend to hang around different crowds."  
"Makes since." Not really Louis thinks. He could've been hanging out with Harry for the past year of his life. So no, it doesn't make any since at all. "So why aren't you at the party that's literall in your living room?" 

"Don't know. Don't like parties." Harry's answer is plain and simple and is accompanied by a warm smile.  
Louis feels at home. Harry feels like a breathe of fresh air. Like mint leaves and lemon. He probably tastes like salted caramel and Louis' brain short circuits at that thought.

"Me neither. Would rather be alone in my room eating Chinese takeaway if I had it my way, but I was dragged here against my will."  
"Hence the sweatpants and jumper?" Harry jokes.  
"Yeah, you're right. I could've at least dressed up."  
"No no I'm joking! I think you look great." The smile Harry gives sends shivers up Louis' spine.  
"You don't look half bad either." Louis is starting to loosen up, something he _doesn't_ do around people he just met. Harry is different though. 

Louis' text sound fills the room and he wants to die.  
 _where the fuck are you?_ Zayn  
"Shit I've got to go, Zayn and Perrie are waiting." Louis says barely above a whisper.  
Harry facial expression is the human version of the frowny face emoji.  
"Alright yeah that's fair. But I'll only let you leave on one condition." Harry's restored to bargaining now.  
"Anything." Louis says almost a little too eagerly.  
"Give me your number, ya know just in case you get your keys stuck again or need a friend to eat Chinese takeaway with." Harry is probably Louis' favorite person and he's met him just 2 times in his entire 21 years.  
Louis puts his number into Harry's phone. His hands are shaking causing him to mess up about 3 times and Harry probably thinks something is wrong with him, but he says nothing. The only thing written on his face is fond. (Something Louis doesn't pick up)  
"I'll send you a text so you have my number. Thanks for accidentally finding me." Harry's cheeks are a shade of rosy pink that really suit his green eyes, Louis thinks.  
"Thanks for letting me." Louis smiles a real smile. A genuine Louis smile. His eyes crinkle up and his face becomes soft and warm.  
He leaves before he does anything stupid.

Louis runs down the hall trying to remember how he even got to Harry's room to begin with. He spots purple hair. _Perrie_ he sighs in relief.  
He walks up to them as if it's casual he just disappeared off the face of the earth.

"Where've you been, mister?" Perrie smiles, hugging onto Zayn. "Was it curly? Did you find him?! It's written all over your face! I told you that he would be here! I'm psychic, I so called this."  
"Yeah.. Yeah you did. I'll give you that." Louis' blushing now and Zayn rolls his eyes, put his arms around them both, and leads them out the door.

Louis plops into bed, his head is a million miles away, somwehere lost in the galaxy. He feels as though he's floating on a cloud made of marshmallow. Among the stars and Milky Way and asteroids floating around, he fits right in. Harry is the sun and Louis is a star out in space, admiring how beautiful he is, how he shines by simply existing, like he was born to bring light into people's lives.  
His daydream of stars and planets and the fiery hot sun is interrupted.

 _had fun tonight!! :D let's get coffee soon!!! Xx Harry_

That's it. Louis' heart malfunctions. He's gone. So so gone for the boy with curly locks and rosy red cheeks.


	3. Sunlight Here I Am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coffee, pizza, and wild hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Harry just being a good fucking person all the time

Harry is magic. Louis blinks twice to make sure he’s real and not just an illusion, his mind has been known to play naughty tricks on him. Louis thinks he’s the luckiest person in the world to be sat across from him in a dimly lit coffee shop, breathing the same air, touching knees, existing at the same time.  
He doesn’t know what this is classified as, but he can't be bothered to care. He’s with Harry and he’s happier than he’s been in probably years.  
Harry has starry eyes and bright pink lips that Louis wants to kiss.  
He wishes more than anything he could grab Harry by the face and kiss his lips raw, until they're beaten and bruised, until his tongue goes numb and his brain fills with foggy thoughts of nothing but harryharryharry. He wants to run his fingers through his curly caramel hair and trace hearts into his biceps, wants to leave marks on his inner thighs, marking his territory, making it known that Harry is _his_. He wants to feel his heartbeat against his cheek and the grip of Harry's body underneath him. He's overwhelmed by his thoughts.  
 _who the fuck even am i_  
Louis' not even sure why he's thinking these things about a boy he barely knows. But he knows one thing for certain, he's screwed.

"You're quiet." Harry breaks the brisk silence filling the air between them. "Niall said you weren't quiet."  
"Oh no, you're onto me." Louis' so fucking sarcastic it hurts.  
"Why?"  
"Why what?" Louis knows why.  
"Why are you so quiet?"  
"Dunno."  
"Tell me." His voice is honey and Louis melts at the sound.  
"Nah, it's nothing. Don't worry mate." Louis hides his fears with words like it's nothing and I'm fine. His best line yet has to be don't worry. Everyone knows someone will automatically worry when they say don't worry. Louis just set himself up for disaster, but this a pretty common thing for him.  
"Well I'm going to worry."  
"Because that's just who you are, innit?"  
"Yeah, it is. I care about people and I don't want them to ever feel sad or lonely or like they don't have anyone."  
Why is Harry such a good fucking person. Why did Louis have to meet the mother Theresa of the modern age.  
"Please tell me, Lou." Harry's puppy dog eyes break Louis.  
 _he called me lou. fuckfuckfuck_  
"I just.... I just don't want to say something stupid." If he says anything else he will sound clingy and emotional and that's one thing Louis won't be pegged as, even if it is true.  
"Nothing you could ever say would ever be stupid to me. Why would you think that? I'm just Harry. Plain old Harry."  
 _just Harry._  
"I just don't want to make the wrong impression."  
"You could never." Harry moves his leg a bit closer to Louis', in a more than "we're just friends, just dude pals hanging out, getting coffee, talking about feelings" type of way. Louis' heart falls onto the floor.  
"It's a long story." Louis sighs, loud and defeated.  
"So we'll talk about it another time, yeah?" Harry glows. His smile radiates warmth and his face is soft and Louis doesn't know where this boy with the smile as bright as the sun came from, but he's sure glad he's here.  
"Yeah." Louis smiles, looking down at his tea in the mug he was given over half an hour ago. It's cold now, but Harry's presence is warm enough.

~~  
Zayn checks in on Louis still, but not as frequently. He thinks it’s mental how Harry came along and completely changed Louis’ mentality. His mindset and outlook has changed so drastically he’s convinced himself that aliens took him in the night and replaced him with a fake Louis, a hologram, or maybe even did a brain transplant. Louis tells him he’s a twat, and that people change, but Zayn hasn’t been persuaded just yet. He’s starting to think that Harry is actually a wizard. Would make since, he thinks. That he’s casting spells on Louis as an experiment on muggles. Either of his theories could be possible.

Harry has text Louis everyday since getting coffee. Louis' glad because he knows he would never take the initiative to text him first. Harry makes it so easy for Louis to be happy. To find happiness in little things, like getting a front parking spot, or making just enough tea to fill to the brim. Louis finds himself humming along to his favorite songs again. He's still not convinced about anything involving Harry, but it's progress. Perrie notices the difference right away, Zayn's been too caught up in Breaking Bad to pay much attention to anything else, but he notices it immediately when Louis walks through door and comes to sit on the sofa.

"Who are you?" Zayn glances up, looking quite surprised to see Louis.  
"Fuck off, I live here too."  
"I don't think as long as we've lived here you've ever sat on this sofa."  
"And I might never again if you don't shut up about it. Can't a man sit on his sofa with his best mates?"  
"Oh my god Louis Tomlinson in the flesh?? Is it really you?!" Perrie chimes in.  
"Fuck off, both of you."  
"Just glad to see you're doing so well." Zayn's sincere and Louis feels bad for being so harsh.  
"Let's celebrate with pizza, yeah?" Perrie is always up for pizza.  
"Yeah, invite your little ball of sushine over why don’t ya.” Zayn suggests, joking obviously.  
“Yes!!!! Please!!! I have to properly meet this boy!!” She's basically begging and for a moment Louis forgets it's _his_ person, not theirs. _his person_. That single thought sends chills up Louis’ spine and makes all the blood rush to his head. He needs to rest.  
“I don’t know, he’s probably busy.”  
“Stop being a wanker and fucking text him.” Zayn hates the games Louis plays.  
“We haven’t seen each other in like a week ...”  
“Stop making excuses. Or i’ll do it for you.”  
“Fine fine fine. But I hate both of you.” He pulls his phone from his pocket with shaking hands. Louis _doesn’t_ do this.

_zayn and perrie and i are having pizza tonight. would love if you came, but i understand if you’re busy… this was very last minute_

There. Sent. Louis invited a cute boy over to his flat and he didn’t have a mental breakdown. Things are looking up for him.

His phone buzzes no more than 2 minutes later.

_pizza???!!! I’m in!!! :D be there at 8!!! xx_

Louis can’t help but smile from ear to ear. His nose crinkles up and his body gets tingly.  
“So what’s the news mate?”  
“He’s coming.” Louis can’t stop smiling, he thinks his face might get stuck like this forever, and if Harry’s the reason he could deal with the inconvenience.

~~

Harry arrives promptly at 8. Louis is giddy and smiley and absolutely disgusting in the time leading up to his arrival, according to Zayn. There’s a knock on the door and Louis jumps up from where he is sat on the sofa to answer it. When he opens the door he sees the sun staring back at him. Harry is beautiful. He’s wearing a beanie with his fringe sticking out from underneath and Louis has never seen a more adorable boy in his life. Harry sticks out his hand.  
“Brought you some maltesers. I know they’re your favorite.” He shyly takes a step backward.  
Louis ushers him inside and takes the box of candies from him.  
“Thank you, they really are my favorite. Bloody love them.”  
There’s a silent _you remembered_ and a _how could i forget_ that only the two of them catch.

“We’ve got cheese, pepperoni, veggie, and chicken dippers. So basically we’re all going to gain 37 pounds by the end of the night.” Zayn says, bringing the boxes over to the coffee table.  
“Well sorry mates, but i’ve definitely called the pepperoni. Last time any of us tried to share a pizza it ended with it being thrown out the window onto a poor passerby and no one got any. Let’s be civilized this time.” Louis is already reaching for the box, ignoring any arguments that may errupt.  
“Hey Lou... “ Harry whispers, almost embarrassingly.  
‘Yeah, what is it?” Louis wonders what the hell is wrong when things were going so right.  
“Pepperoni is my favorite too…”  
“Don’t be silly Haz, we can share, no worries. Pizza for two.” He can’t handle this human, he honestly cant.  
Harry smiles and settles down into the sofa by Louis.  
Louis is sat with his absolute favorite people in the universe (minus Niall, who knows where he’s at) and he wonders how he ever felt so sad. He can't remember the last time he was genuinely happy, it feels nice. 

Harry falls asleep midway through the second film. To be fair, it wasn't that good anyway. Perrie chose a sappy lifetime movie and of course she's consumed by it. Zayn looks like he would rather gorge his eyeballs out with a fork, but he deals with the horrible, horrible movie just for her sake. Louis sees his suffering out of the corner of his eye, but is too consumed by the Harry next to him to care too much.

Harry's head is resting on Louis' shoulder and he’s taking slow, deep breaths. His fringe is wild and Louis thinks he's the most beautiful person he’s ever seen. He's afraid to move as he might wake him up and quite frankly, Louis wants to stay like this forever. He wants bad films and greasy pizza and cinnamon candles and comfy blankets. He wants cuddling with Harry on the sofa, wrapped up in his warmth. He wants a home. He wants Harry. He doesn't know what Harry wants and he's so fucking scared he doesn't want the same things. Louis guards his feelings and protects his heart above all else. If Harry didn't want Louis in the way he wants Harry it would be a blow that he would probably never recover from. He's already shit, who knows where he'd end up.

Harry wakes up in a panic at half twelve.  
"Have I been asleep all this time? I'm so sorry, Lou."  
"No no it's fine. Go back to sleep if you like. Zayn and Perrie went to bed an hour ago, I'm just sat here watching reruns of some stupid show."  
"I should really go, I don't want to invade your Friday night anymore than I already have. I'll just be in the way."  
"You're really not..." Louis wishes more than anything Harry would just fucking stay with him. He's so used to being alone he's not sure what it’s like spending time with someone who makes him feel like he's floating. He always feels high when he’s with Harry, like he’s invincible. Harry makes Louis feel invincible.  
"Yeah?" Harry's voice is ridden with sleep.  
"Yeah, just stay." Louis' breath hitches.  
"Here? On the sofa?"  
"Well I guess there's my bed, would make more sense I guess." Louis is questioning his sanity. He knows they're just sleeping, but he hasn't had a boy in his bed in years.  
Harry pushes himself up, reaches for Louis' hands and leads them into Louis' room. Louis moves in under the duvet and Harry follows.  
"Wait..." Louis whispers.  
"Yeah?"  
"Do you want some tea? Can't sleep without it."  
"Yeah." Even though it's dark Louis can hear the smile in Harry's voice.  
"Come on then." Louis takes Harry's hand and guides him to the kitchen. Louis' made the trek from his room to the kitchen thousands of times in the dark, he could do it in his sleep, but Harry is precious cargo and he has to protect him at all costs.  
Louis walks over to the tea kettle and sets it on the stovetop.  
"Yorkshire?"  
"Yeah." Harry whispers into Louis' ear. He has his arms wrapped around Louis' waist and his head leaning on Louis' shoulder.  
Louis was wrong. He could stay like _this_ forever. He's missed human touch. The only people he ever makes physical contact with is Perrie, only because she's a hugger. And Niall, simply because he's Niall.  
Harry whispers something that Louis almost misses.  
"You're warm." Harry tightens his grip and sighs.  
"Yeah?" Louis asks. "Everyone always tells me I'm cold as ice."  
"Not tonight." Harry smiles and Louis feels it on his neck. He melts underneath Harry's touch.  
"Let's go sit while it brews." Louis looks to Harry for approval.

As they make their way to the sofa something goes off inside of Louis. He feels like this is how his life should be, like he's finally found someone who gets him. It's refreshing and new and scary, but Louis wants this.  
Harry lays spread out on the sofa and pulls Louis onto his lap, resting Louis' head on his chest. Louis looks up at Harry like he's looking at god himself. 

They just lie there, like they're the only two people in the universe. Harry's hand tangling between Louis' fringe. Louis breathes out a sigh of relief. It's like he's been lost, wandering around for the past 21 years of his life and Harry finally found him. No one else in the past few years has been able to break Louis' outer shell the way Harry has in such a short amount of time. That means something.  
Louis is completely overjoyed.  
"Wake you when the tea's ready, yeah?" Harry's voice sounds like home to him. 

Harry leans down to press a kiss against Louis’ forehead and that’s enough to send him over the edge. Louis is a thousand miles off, somewhere far away. He’s existing among the clouds, chatting with the cupids of the universe, making small talk, mostly about Harry’s lips and hands and perfect bum. He sees a shooting star and makes a wish. He wishes for Harry, for Harry everyday for the rest of his life. He doesn’t want to exist in a world where Harry isn’t. He doesnt want to live a life that he doesn’t live with Harry. Louis’ falling hard and he’s falling fast. The star soars past him and in an instant it explodes into a million little pieces, all filled with Louis’ wish, filled with love and fairy dust and fate. Louis’ fate is spreading all over the universe, sailing into the deepest parts of the milky way, past the sun and into the unknown. Louis’ wish is towering above the solar system. He thinks that’s fate’s way of reassuring him that he’ll never have to live in a world without his boy, that Harry is his now, and with that he descends back down into earth, into Harry’s arms, right where he left. 

The room is burning with fond and words unsaid. So much so that it’s burning a hole in Louis’ heart and mind and soul. He loves silence, but when the air is filled with implied thoughts that are left to the imagination, it drives him to the point of insanity.  
Louis feels safe with Harry. He’s never felt such inner peace and contentment, it’s so fucking overwhelming that his mind goes blank. That’s probably best. Too many thoughts.  
So he’s left with the final thought that in the morning he will awake with a beautiful boy in his bed and he's not sure what he's done to deserve this, but Harry is here and he's real and he's holding onto Louis as if there's no one else in the world and Louis thinks this isn't such a bad way to live after all. 

He drifts off into dream land and is engulfed with sleep that consumes his mind and fills it with thoughts of nothing but Harry's cotton candy lips and emerald green eyes. 

_~~_

Louis got lost in translation somewhere. He's been stuck for as long as he can remember. When all his friends were getting girlfriends and going to uni and having the best fucking time of their life he was consumed with nothing but hate. He hated everyone. He hated Zayn (but Zayn wouldn't hate him back, even though Louis tried to push him away). He hated his mum. His dead beat dad. His new step dad who wasn't anywhere near a father. He hated his sisters. His little sisters who did nothing to him. He hated them. He wanted to escape. Uni was his escape. Home suffocated him. It was too familiar. Too much bad stuff happened there. Uni saved him, partially. 50% Zayn 50% uni. It was a team effort between the two of them. Zayn fucking followed him to uni. Zayn was meant to go to some fancy arts school because he's a fucking prodigy, but he followed Louis, he followed Louis to this shit hole, wasting away his talent just to make sure Louis didn't fucking kill himself. Didn't take one too many sleeping pills, didn't drink until his vision was clouded with blurred flashbacks of _that_ night, didn't take a walk along train tracks. Louis hates himself everyday for being him. For being so unable to care for himself that his best mate gave it all up to do it all for him. He will never forgive himself. Zayn says it's how it was supposed to be, but Louis thinks it's all shit.  
Zayn honestly didn't think Louis would make it out of secondary school. But he did, and Zayn couldn't let him dissipate in a strange town where he'd get lost between the people and sink down between the cracks, being left forgotten. Not after all he'd done. He couldn't let that happen.  
So here they are 3 years later. 3 years filled with pain and hurtful words and one too many drunken nights and numbness and heartache. But they're alive and that's a great feat for everyone.  
Louis still feels the guilt of pushing his family away all those years ago. His excuse for that is that they didn't understand the soul crushing pain he felt, when his lungs felt like they were collapsing and his heart was exploding, when it actuality, they probably did. But he can't change that now. His mum calls every now and again just to check up, but the silence in between words is awkward and forced. Louis considers Zayn his family now, he's all he has. He should really mend the wounds, it's his fault after all, but he's not ready for that yet. 

_~~_

In the morning Louis wakes to the sound of tea brewing in the kitchen, the kettle's hissing noise fills their entire flat with annoyance. He rolls over to see Harry on his right. He's there. He didn't leave or sneak out before Louis could say goodbye. He stayed. Louis' entire body feels like jello. His bones are actually jello. He stares at Harry. He memorizes the way his chest rises and falls with every breath and how his eyelashes flutter with a dream. Harry is beautiful. His milky skin stands out boldly against his coffee colored hair. The contrast hurts Louis' brain. He stops looking at Harry, at this beautiful boy in his bed, who will never be his. Louis won't let himself do this. Not again. That's when he decides. Right then and there, that he has to find ways to slowly push Harry away in the same way he slowly let Harry in. 


	4. The People Look Like Flowers At Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> talks of love, Christmas lights, and an almost first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got my inspiration from christmas music and the up all night album. i also edited this listening to out of the woods by taylor swift. it's been a wild ride for this chapter, don't even ask. i rewrote this about 500 times and got lazy with editing it, so if there are any mistakes i apologize. i also had a mental breakdown over larry the other night, resulting in real life references to things they've said, dont hate me too much. thank you so much for reading <3

most days harry wants to wrap louis in blankets and make him warm tea and cuddle him and kiss his nose and be cosy on the sofa, but life is not a fairytale, so they end up rushing about through their day, going to classes and generally being miserable because they’re spending time apart. they designate each night to being with eachother, thats where their motivation is derived from. the static noise of the tv drowns out the cries of _don’t go yet_. louis doesn’t have the courage to actually say that aloud; he’s thankful for technology most days.

they celebrate the little things, like acing a hard test or making it to friday. their relationship has always revolved around the little things, if it’s even a relationship at all. the line between friends and lovers has always been blurred. theres a fine line, but they’ve always hovered back and forth, never on one side for too long. louis blacks out if he thinks about it for too long, his brain fills with restless gray, hazy thoughts, mostly of love and his drained sense of self worth.

~~

There’s a place between sleep and dreaming where Louis feels most himself. He’s not bitter or hurt, he’s just Louis. He’s vulnerable and anxious and his heart aches for human touch. He has thoughts that scare him and thoughts that break his heart all over again. He knows Harry is genuine and real and is not like the boys who hurt him, but he can’t bring himself to fully believe that. He feels like shit for it, but it’s the honest truth. He would rather get lost in the stars or lose himself within his own being, he would rather watch his life from a thousand miles above his body than experience it for himself. He makes bad decisions and they’re almost all on impulse, never properly thought out. It’s become something he’s grown to regret. Why can’t he sit down and think through things like a normal person would? He doesn’t know. He’s never known. He’s never been lukewarm. He’s either freezing cold or burning hot. Never in between. But there’s one thing he knows for certain …. He’s tired of being alone.

The morning after the first time Harry stayed over, Louis knew. He knew he loved Harry. he felt such a deep pounding in his heart and flutter in his soul, his mind was filled with deafening thoughts of nothing but harry’s bright pink lips and pale frosted skin. He knew the very second he opened his eyes and saw him laying there, beautiful and filled with delicacy. Harry is magical. He made flowers grow in the saddest parts of Louis, he made him smile and laugh, and feel alive. Louis had forgotten what it felt like to be whole, to have no more little missing pieces haunting his mind and consuming his soul. Harry completes him. Harry is all those little pieces, he filled Louis' broken cracks in his heart and soul with selfless love and warm hugs and sloppy kisses at 2 am. 

He waited patiently for Harry to wake up that morning, he didn't want to leave. He wanted to be the first thing Harry saw when he opened his eyes (that was first the first morning of forever he says). he sat back studying his features, scared to touch him as he might turn to stardust and vanish into thin air. Harry blinked away the sleep to see Louis staring at him like it was the last time he’d ever lay eyes on him again, wide eyed and captivated. harry saw nothing but pale blue and long lashes fluttering, casting silhouettes on louis’ cheekbones.  
“Good morning sunshine.” Harry’s voice is scratchy and dull.  
“Hi.” Louis whispers, moving into harry’s warm embrace.  
they lay intertwined for what feels like hours. their hearts sync together and beat as one. they are one, louis thinks. harry is his person. no one but his. that thought alone sends black fuzzy thoughts through his brain.  
“tea?” harry questions, knowing louis could never say no.  
“you know me.” louis feels soft and warm and his body is tingly.  
they walk lazily hand and hand into the kitchen together. zayn and perrie are sat at the table finishing breakfast.  
“well well well…” perrie should be shocked, but she isn’t, she’s more proud than anything.  
“dont.” louis doesn’t want to deal with the questions and comments at this hour.  
louis has felt lonely in this house for far longer than he should. even though zayn is almost always in the room over, he never felt a sense of belonging. perrie and zayn had their thing going while louis had nothing. he didn’t have a boyfriend or much of anything at all, harry helped him gain that sense of regard. yeah, zayn is his best mate in all of the world, but he can only watch him and perrie snog on the sofa for so long before he goes insane.  
“hi. i’m still here.” harry’s voice is low. zayn and perrie burst at the seams with laughter. the whole flat is filled with laughter and love and the bright twinkle of louis’ blue eyes illuminate his face. contentment is all louis feels. and fond. so much fond for his boy.

“well lads, the missus and i have got to go into town today, think you can hold down the flat?” zayns says getting up from where he’s sat.  
“yeah, i think we can handle that.” harry gives louis a wink and louis blushes.  
“oh gross.” zayn leaves before things take a wild turn. “i’m only 7, don’t do this to me.”  
“dont be too naughty boys….” perrie has inherited louis’ sarcasm and louis’ never been more proud.  
soon enough it’s just louis and harry. just louis and his boy. he feels dizzy. his mind is a whirlpool of thoughts of harry and his lips and his hands and his soft curly hair. He wants Harry's hands all over him, he thinks it's an inconvenience that Harry's hands can't constantly be on his body. He's learning to cope, but his bum takes the blow hardest. they found out louis’ bum is the perfect size to fit harry’s hand, so that’s where it stays. harry’s hand found a home on louis’ bum.  
Louis doesn't know where they stand and is scared to know the answer, so he avoids the questions and ignores the word "relationship" whenever Harry mentions it. It's his way out, he can't force himself to drop it all at once, so if he doesn't put a label on what they're doing or what they are then the heartache will be easier and Harry won't be hurt. This is dumb. Louis knows it's dumb, but he can't deal with the attachment that comes with relationships. Not when Harry can leave at any given moment. 

One thing louis doesn't Know is that Harry's never half-assed anything. He's all in or all out. His words unsaid are implied meanings of _I'll never leave you_ and _you're safe now_. Harry leaves words unsaid because once they're spoken, they're out there and you can't take them back. It's like a thousand stars exploded into the blackness of the universe, you can see the bright white lights no matter where you stand, it may be beautiful, but they'll never be whole again, it's done, they're forever imprinted on the universe. Harry likes mystery and abstractness. That's one thing louis doesn't catch onto. 

there’s tea brewing on the stovetop, yorkshire of course, and cinnamon rolls are baking in the oven. harry is a domestic goddess louis has come to find out. he’s blessed, truly blessed, because he hates cooking anything that takes over 5 minutes to warm in the microwave. hence all the chinese takeaway. harry’s lit a pumpkin spice candle even though it’s nearly christmas, it’s his favorite and louis can’t bear to see harry’s puppy dog face again. he gives into virtually anything harry says, he’s so weak with harry. he can’t let zayn know that though, he’s got a tough boy reputation to keep. the sun is barely peeking through the blanket of clouds and it’s a dreary, cosy saturday. the essence of the room is sweetness and warmth and love. so much love.

“the sun has got his hat on.” harry says and louis smiles.  
the room goes silent for a while, but it’s comfortable. everything with harry is comfortable. they coexist well together. like planets in orbit. like the sun and the moon. like harry and louis.

“hey lou…” harry’s voice is warm.  
“yeah?” louis knows what he’s about to say before he’s even said it.  
“I was thinking…” he’s cut off before he can finish.  
“that we should hang up christmas decorations today?” louis just saved himself from having to talk about relationships. louis is on fire.  
“um no, but yeah that sounds fun.” he looks a little disappointed, but nothing too devastating.  
“i’ll get them from the closet.”  
even though it’s barely december they’re hanging up silver tinsel around the doorways and lining the walls with christmas lights. louis and zayns’ flat has never been this festive ever and louis can thank his annoying need to avoid talking to harry for that.

~~

louis has avoided the relationship talk for 2 weeks now and harry’s beginning notice. not just that he avoids that, but that he doesn’t text back as often and he cancels plans at the last minute. louis knows that harry knows, but he’s too much of a wimp to do anything about it. he fucks anything and everything that he gets himself into, so what makes his “relationship” with harry any different. harry ignores all the signs that louis gives him.

_hi pumpkin. chinese tonight? ill be over about 9. seen you then xxx_

louis’ phone lights up at half past 7. harry is trying to win louis over with chinese. it almost works, but louis then remembers why harry is trying so hard in the first place. louis is a piece of trash on the side of the road. he’s the mcdonalds dollar menu. he is gas station sushi. he’s all those things, but he’s not worth all the effort harry is putting in. and he hates himself. he’s never hated himself more than he does recently and he can’t do a thing about it. so he sits and wallows in self pity and cries until puddles form on his pillow. he won’t let harry stay over anymore. he can’t wake up to his beautiful face and listen to his silky voice that early in the morning, it would defeat the purpose.

it’s 9:20 when he hears harry walk through the front door.  
“you’re late!” his door is closed, so he yells loud enough to be heard in the kitchen.  
“yeah, i know.. sorry. they were a bit backed up. i guess everyone had this idea.” harry’s voice sounds worn out and tired and louis curls into a ball.

harry walks in holding two forks and a bag with the takeaway, eyes red and cheeks wet.  
louis did this. louis knows he did this. he wants to die. why has he done this.  
he avoids eye contact and takes the fork with a soft “thanks”.  
they eat in silence and the tension grows thicker by the minute. louis doesn’t want to be the first one to say anything, even if it is his fault.

“lou…” harry’s voice is nothing but a whisper.  
louis looks to harry and he thinks he’s going to explode.  
“why are you doing this…” he’s exhausted. he looks and sounds emotionally drained.  
“harry dont...” louis physically hurts.  
“don’t do this louis, not tonight.”  
“dont do what, harry?” his voice is sharp and cuts deep.  
“you know. i know. zayn probably knows. stop avoiding me, you can’t get rid of me like this.”  
it’s true. it’s a pretty shitty way to deal with something.  
“‘m not.” that’s a lie and they both know it.  
“yeah you are lou.”  
“dunno what you’re on about, but it’s pretty fucking annoying.” louis is single handedly destroying the only good thing to ever happen to him and he doesn’t even care.  
“stop. just stop. you’re hurting yourself more than you’re hurting me damn it. i can’t sit back and watch you fuck everything up for yourself again. i won’t do it, no matter how much you want me to.”  
that shuts louis up.

“‘m not going anywhere lou. don’t know why you think that, but ‘m not. you’re my home now, louis.” harry’s voice cracks and that’s enough to send louis over the edge. tears slowly fall down his face like a long awaited rain storm. harry takes him into arms and holds him there. louis’ world is filled with blurry visions of harry’s soft face and it’s coming down on him like thunder. the lightning outside the window claps and louis jumps. harry holds him tighter.

“please don’t leave.” louis whispers after a long while.  
“i won’t ever, louis. i love you. okay? believe me when i say that.” harry’s whispering into louis’ eyelashes. he kisses each eye before he rests his forehead against louis’, looking directly into the sea of louis’ eyes.  
“i love you louis.” harry whispers into louis’ mouth. “‘m here to stay.”  
louis gulps and swallows back his salt laced tears.  
“i love you, harry.” louis whispers right back. he feels like a million little angels are singing in his head. he’s floating. he’s filled with warmth and love and so much bliss. his world is white hot.  
that was the last night louis ever felt empty.

 

~~  
the familiar autumn leaves have now turned gray and are scattered across the ground, like louis once was, disorganized and forgotten. he always could relate to the winter months more than the others. he was dark and cold and sheltered, he was different shades of blue and black, but he was mostly just beaten down from the weight of the world. this year is different from the ones of his past. christmas holiday is creeping around the corner and louis’ not complaining. he’s got a reason to celebrate and be happy, he’s got harry. he and harry make hot choc and snuggle up on the sofa watching christmas films every weekend and suck on candy canes until they’ve got a sharp point and poke each other with them, first one to chicken out loses. louis never pokes hard enough to hurt harry, so he always loses. he would lose any game to watch harry shine with excitement. he loves watching his face light up like a christmas tree, harry’s beautiful. his evergreen eyes match his evergreen soul. harry is forever young in louis’ mind.

louis is happy which causes a chain reaction, meaning harry is happy, zayn is happy if louis is happy, and if zayn is happy, perrie is happy. so basically everyone in their inner circle is ecstatic at all times. louis really does have more of an effect on everyone’s mood than he thinks. he’s the glue that holds them all together, even if he himself was broken for all that time.  
zayn’s not used to seeing louis like this. he’s used to 3 am mental breakdowns and cigarettes, to alcohol and slamming of doors and breaking of glass and louis begging him to go away, that he doesn’t need help as he’s slumped over the sink with tear stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes, with hot water running down his face because he needs to feel something, something other than angnony and numbness. zayn got used to louis’ never ending meltdowns and became a father figure in the sense that louis never really had one, not a good one at least. zayn was everything louis needed, and louis was everything zayn never knew he needed. they fit together, zayn and louis, they create a dynamic duo when they’re together. zayn’s quiet and louis’ not, so he lets zayn talk when otherwise he wouldn’t be heard. and zayn brings louis back down to earth a little bit, it’s all in good favor and a little banter never hurt anyone.  
zayn’s not used to this disney movie shit where louis is smiley and soft and glowy. he’s not complaining, dear god he’s not complaining, it’s just a strange adjustment. there’s no more long nights zayn spends sleeping on louis’ bathroom floor making sure he doesn’t die face down in a pool of his own tears or on a bad night, his own vomit. the cold, hard ground was never a welcoming home to him. they both spent one too many nights in louis’ dim, boring bathroom, that resembled more of a morgue than anything. it became their second home in their first year. luckily louis got out of the habit of getting wasted out of his mind every other night and just turned to chinese food. dramatic turn, he fooled the world that one.

louis’ never been one to solve problems, he creates them. for so long he was the source of all evil and zayn was his good luck charm who made his living hell of a life less hellish and slightly more liveable. he has harry now, not that harry has replaced zayn in any regard, but he’s sure taken some of the pressure off of him. they text every week about louis, he doesn’t know that though. zayn thanks harry a million and one times for all he’s done and harry tells him louis wouldn’t be here without him, they’re just really fucking grateful for each other. they both love louis more than anyone in the world and louis wonders how the best two people in the world found him.

~~

Louis is trying so hard to be the person he wants to be. He still hasn’t opened up to Harry about his past, he’s told him close to nothing actually. Once he opens up, it’s out there and he can’t take it back, he can’t pretend it didn’t happen because it did and now Harry knows it, too. Harry’s told him to take his time, that he doesn’t need to know right now, or anytime soon, so Louis has time, but it still scares him shitless. Only Zayn and Perrie know all the details and they’re his lifeline, he can’t just meet a beautiful boy who makes him feel fireproof and tell his whole life story. If that were the case he would have a much easier time accepting why Harry wants to be with a boy as broken as he is.

{ Harry sees what Louis doesn't. He sees the twinkle in Louis’ eyes when he talks about drama, he knows it’s what Louis wants to do, even if Louis isn’t 100% sure himself. He knows the way Louis clings onto him in the night, Louis doesn’t know he does it and Harry would never tell him, but Harry holds onto him just as tight. He knows something bad happened to Louis. He doesn’t know when exactly, but he knows it was bad from the way Louis speaks of his past. They’re together everyday, he should feel safe enough around Harry to be open, but he doesn’t. It hurts him just a little, but he knows it’s not his fault. Louis is the sun, he just chooses to stay shaded. Harry is here for it. He’s here for the long nights where Louis cries into his chest and begs for him to stay. He’s here for the sunny afternoons in the park, exploring new streets and tiny shops when Louis holds his hand so tight his knuckles turn white. He’s here for all the different sides of Louis. He would never leave him. }

they’ve made plans for christmas holiday. they’re going to go back to harry’s family’s place, harry wants louis to meet his mum and sister, louis reluctantly agreed. he loves harry, he wants to know where he came from, why he is like he is, how he was shaped, he wants to know everything. they’ve planned for extra days just in case they go back to Yorkshire. louis’ family is there, even though he’s still not on the best of terms with them, he’s getting there and the first step of his new life is for them to meet harry, the boy that’s been his life for the past few months. but first they’ve got finals. there’s two weeks until holiday break and louis feels as though time is standing still.

~~  
“party tonight, yeah? you remembered right?” harry has asked louis everyday for the past week.  
“yes love, how could i forget.” louis has his old self back. harry loves him even more.  
“dont back out last minute.” harry’s voice is as stern as he can possibly make it.  
“would never.” louis pulls harry in and kisses him long and hard.  
they are on fire. they are bright orange and intense yellow. white hot heat sparks between them. louis’ golden skin shines when it’s pressed against harry’s milky complexion.  
“you’re dead good with your mouth, you know that?” harry speaks slow and soft into louis mouth.  
“i love when you talk brit to me.” louis kisses him harder and harry giggles. he’s so gone.

“boys not on the counter.” perrie speaks as though she’s their mother. “i have to fix my food there, please take this into the bedroom.”  
louis looks at harry and harry grabs his hands as they rush towards louis’ room.  
“wait, fuck, what time is it?” harry fumbles with his sleeves to look at his watch. “fuck lou we’ve gotta go now.”  
“can’t the party wait?” louis is begging as he unbuttons harry’s shirt.  
“no, i told liam we’d get there early to help out.”  
“what the fuck!? why would you ever do that?”  
“you don’t have to help, don’t worry. just sit there and look pretty. that’s what you do best.”  
“now is not the time for your sweet talking, styles.” louis buttons harry’s shirt back up out of spite. “just you wait, you’ll be sorry you made me wait when we get home.”  
“i think i’ll manage somehow.” harry smirks and it takes everything louis has to not ruin him right then and there.

louis has no fucking clue who this liam character is, but right now he’s not too keen on him. zayn and perrie were supposed to tag along and help set up, but zayn had “plans” at the last minute. fucking arsehole. louis knows good and well zayn just didn’t want to help set up. zayn shows up to parties and leaves, he doesn’t arrange them. bradford bad boy strikes again. louis jokes around calling zayn that whenever he’s annoyed, zayn tells him to fuck off. he was only a kid when he came up with that name. louis reminds him he was actually 17. still a kid in zayn’s mind. 

louis is in charge of party music. he’s created a killer playlist, not to toot his own horn. cage the elephants, two door cinema club, the fray, the wombats, even threw in coldplay and kings of leon for harry. even if this party is a major flop the music won’t be. louis takes pride in his amazing taste in music, one thing that he’s always had together.

liam is friendly and sincere and louis feels bad for shitting on his existence earlier. he takes louis in for a warm embrace and whispers in his ear _thanks_ and louis wonders what the fuck that means. he looks at liam with eyebrows furrowed together. he’s harry’s flat mate apparently, louis still doesn’t know how he’s never met these people.  
“you make him happier than i’ve seen in ages.” liam whispers low enough so harry won’t hear across the room. he’s hanging christmas lights along the walls, he looks gorgeous with the shimmering lights reflecting against his skin. like a fairy. or an elf. a fairy elf.  
“makes two then.” louis smiles and feels nothing but a flicker for a pulse. he thought harry was helping him when they were really helping each other. in retrospect, it all makes sense and louis feels dumb for not noticing it sooner. harry holds on longer and tighter now than he ever did before, louis’ validation of their relationship resulted in harry no longer holding back, harry was made to feel things so deeply and strongly and passionately that it ripped him apart from the inside out that he couldn’t show louis how he felt, that he couldn’t make louis feel safe around him. louis thanks god he destroyed those eerie thoughts and layed them to rest. he wants all of harry, no holding back or hesitation, he wants all of his passion and the intensity that comes along with it. louis is the compass. harry is the ship. a compass points to home. harry’s his home in every single life he’s ever had, in every dream, every thought, every dimension they end up together. fate has strange ways of bringing people together, but soulmates always find each other.

the night passes by in shades of fluorescent pink and and phases of sloppy kisses and hands touching, wandering and feeling all over louis’ body. harry can’t keep his hands off and louis doesn’t stop him. they find an empty corner and escape to the back of the room, just the two of them. harry’s mouth on louis’ neck and louis’ hands underneath harry’s shirt like they’re two teenagers at a high school party. they’re _that_ couple, but neither of them can be bothered, they’re too lost in each other to notice the looks of disgust and annoyance. perrie is getting a right kick out of it and zayn is embarrassed to know them. at one point niall asked if he could join and louis told him to fuck off, he walked away laughing calling them legends. 

they all get a cab back to their flat simply because harry and louis can’t stop kissing each other long enough to walk home. zayn is no longer phased by this newfound rush of attraction to each other, he’s just glad they’re going home so people don’t have to see this grope session any longer.  
“why are you guys like this?” zayn’s only question to them all night and it’s rhetorical.

they make it home in record time. zayn paid the driver extra to drive faster and for all the inhuman noises harry and louis made from the back seat. harry carries louis from the cab all the way to louis’ bed, only stopping to clumsily kiss his mouth once, twice, maybe four times.

“i can’t do this. not tonight.” perrie laughs until she sees stars.  
at that harry slams the door shut and delicately places louis on the bed. he’s rough, but he’s not desperate enough to throw louis down when he could bounce off and hit the wall. harry thinks louis is the size of a mouse, he’s tiny, but not as tiny as harry leads him on to be.

“stop fucking about mate, you’re fucking everything but me and that’s really fucking agitating.” louis groans, pawing at the air for harry to come closer.  
“i hate when you’re not touching me.”  
harry closes the space between them, filling it with warmth that sets louis aglow. louis shuts up. he runs his hands down louis’ tummy and over his hips and down his thighs and finally back up to his bum, where they belong. louis gasps at the touch and pulls harry closer.  
their night consists of messy kisses and white hot heat between them. friction is all louis feels, harry’s grinding down on louis and he’s gripping the bed sheets with all the strength he has.  
“harry please.” his voice is wrecked and he sounds pathetic.  
“not tonight lou.” harry whispers against louis’ neck where he’s left a dozen love bites scattered across like constellations. he might of gone a little overboard, louis’ going to have to break out the scarfs and turtlenecks for the next week, but at least he’s marked his territory.  
louis is his and no one else’s and he’s made that pretty fucking clear. harry wants to fuck louis but he wants their first time to be more special than this. he’s a romantic and at times like this louis really fucking hates him for it.

louis wakes up to harry bringing him tea and granola on a tray in bed with a flower in a vase and “i love you” spelled out with blueberries on a plate. louis shakes his head. harry is the love of his life and he’s nothing but a ball of glittering fond.  
“now kiss me you fool.” and harry does. harry sits on the side of the bed and kisses him softly, with tenderness and a singing heart.  
“love you pumpkin.” harry’s voice is like velvet and louis is exploding with radiant light and adoration, he feels everything and nothing all at once. he thinks this is what love feels like. he thinks this is what harry feels like. if loving harry feels like soaring above the silver lining in the clouds and being lost in the colorful aurora of snow kissed mountains, he might make it just fine. no one knows louis in the way harry does and vise versa. no one will love louis with the same flaming intensity that harry does. their love is filled with passion and hopeless devotion. two lost souls that found one another in the chaotic world of failed love and one night stands, they built a home around each other and planted a fire within their souls, an everlasting light that will burn for all of eternity for each other; in every life, in every universe, in every dimension their souls will find each other.  
louis is in love and he shimmers with a bright fury and sets harry afire with infatuation.


	5. Bring Me Your Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Harry go back to Cheshire. Louis talks about his past. Harry has an idea. 
> 
> **read the chapter notes for trigger warnings**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back, back again?  
> Hi. Yes, I know it's been quite a while since I last updated, and I'm so very sorry to leave you hanging like that, buuuuttt to be fair I have some valid excuses.  
> 1.) My laptop broke. Yes, I know. My life source decided it was a good idea to die on me, but I got a new one. (yay)  
> 2.) Had a slight breakdown. When I say slight, I mean slight. My mindset was in no place to be creative.  
> 3.) Was just out of ideas and had no motivation if I'm honest. 
> 
> Now that you've read through my excuses, let me just explain this chapter a little.  
> ATTENTION PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE OF THIS  
> My intention from the start of this story was to kind of incorporate aspects of my life, and things that have happened to me, it's more of a therapeutic thing to write out my experiences in the form of another character than to write them in a journal or something. SO, that being said, I have therefore added another layer onto Louis' character, finally revealing his "past" and going a little more into detail of why he is like he is.  
> And I don't want to give anything away, but this is necessary... so sorry for any spoilers... If you think that talking about past abuse/previously being in an abusive relationship is going to trigger anything for you DO NOT READ THIS, I don't go into detail, I just mention it, so I'm not like explaining with graphic anything like that, all I do is touch on it. But I don't want anyone to read this that might get upset by even the mention of it, so I had to disclose that information. Now, with that out of the way, I hope you enjoy the progression of the story and where it's going to lead. This chapter is sort of like a bridge chapter, so it's not very long at all, I just needed to get the story to progress and I did it in the best way I knew how. I also got very lazy when editing so excuse any mistakes. I don't know when I'm going to be updating, it's just whenever I write anything I will add it on. If you ever have any questions or comments or want to just have a chat be sure to message me on tumblr at leedsfate and i'll definitely get back to you! Hope you enjoy :) <3

{ Louis is used to unrequited love. To pouring his heart and soul out to someone only to have them vanish right before his eyes. To one too many broken hearts, all for different reasons. To waking up at 3 am in a cold sweat thinking of _him_ and crying into his pillow remembering why he’s like this. To Zayn getting into bed with him just so he has someone _there_. It’s been long and it’s been hard, but the road once lined with dead flowers and rain puddles is slowly turning into fields of daisies and butterflies. He has a certain someone to thank for that. }

Harry’s holding Louis’ hand close to his heart, his warmth radiating throughout Louis’ entire body until the only thing he feels is his heart filling with love and his mind filling with _harry_. He’s so overwhelmed with everything he’s not sure he can even form a proper sentence that would express to Harry just how thankful he actually is. The train journey to Cheshire is happening and he’s overwhelmed, but in the best way possible. Louis can’t back out and stay home with Zayn and Perrie, (not that Harry would ever allow that) but this is one plan he hasn’t weaseled his way out of. He actually hadn’t thought of trying to get out of it until just now. He thinks that means something. Harry is there and Harry is real and Harry is holding his hand and filling his brain with static. 

“You’re meeting my mum.” Harry whispers, turning towards Louis with a radiant smile spread across his face, he’s glowing.  
“And Gemma.” Louis adds, fumbling with his jacket zip.  
“Don’t be nervous, Lou.”  
Louis bites his lip and grips Harry’s hand even harder. Harry knows.  
“I’m proud of you.” Harry’s voice sounds like love.  
Louis leans over and kisses Harry’s mouth long and hard. An implied _thank you_ that feels more like _i love you_.  
Louis can feel the piercing numbness shoot through his entire body. He’s never been brought home to meet a boy’s family. He wants to cry. He wants to hold Harry and he wants to forget everything bad that ever happened. He’s never loved anything or anyone more than he loves Harry and sometimes it all just gets a bit too much. His teeth are chattering and his cheeks are flushed pink, matching Harry’s nose. It’s sickening in the way that couples now a days have to match just about everything, from tattoos to t shirts to now bloody face colors. They’ve reached a new level and they look like right weirdos if he’s being honest. 

They board the train along with the other unfamiliar faces that just want to be home. Louis doesn’t necessarily know the feeling of comfortability or the ease that comes with being with family, as he’s never really been close with his. That’s something he’s grown to really regret lately, but he’s working on fixing it. He wonders where the nameless bodies filled with thoughts and feelings and baggage of their past are going tonight. They’re all stories. They are living and breathing stories made of skin and bone, filled with stardust from the farthest parts of the universe brought together by some supernatural power to create a living and breathing person. He wonders how many people are going home to empty flats and how many are going home to spouses and kids and kisses flooding through the door. Thinking about the intricate details of people’s lives sets Louis’ mind on fire. He’s always been interested in the backstory, guess he’s finally putting his mind to use again, letting his thoughts wander.. something he would never do before. But he has Harry beside him and he thinks it’s safe for him to venture out of his comfort zone every so often.

“So happy.” Harry leans in to whisper into Louis’ ear, making him giggle like a little boy.  
Louis smiles and pulls him in tighter. He just holds him there. He wants to feel his weight and warmth, wants to soak up the way he smells and the way he breathes. He wants to memorize the way his eyelashes flutter when he blinks, trying to bat away the sleep. How he plays with the rings on his fingers and the look on his face when he catches Louis staring at him. Every little thing. He never wants to forget.  
“H, I’ve never loved you more than I do at this exact moment.” Louis’ a sap, but it’s Harry he’s talking to. What else does he expect from himself.  
That makes Harry go all shades of red and kiss Louis’ face a million and one times, probably disgusting everyone sat around them, but at this moment in time neither of them can be bothered to care.

~~  
“Harry I can’t, no, this was a bad idea. Har-”  
“Lou.. Louis breathe. It’s okay baby, you’re going to be okay, it’s going to be okay. I love you.”  
They’re sat against the train station wall, it’s probably below freezing, and Louis is having a panic attack. Not exactly how either of them planned for this to go, but when has anything ever.  
“Harry I’m sorry, i’m sorry. i’m such a horrible person. i’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin your Christmas holiday.” Louis barely chokes out another “i’m sorry” before Harry is taking him in his arms and holding him so tight he hopes all his broken parts will magically glue back together.  
“Louis you have nothing to apologize for, stop okay please, I want to be here and I want you to be here. It’s going to be okay. I love you.” Harry is holding back his own tears, he doesn’t know what to do or say to make Louis better and it hurts. Loving someone that’s broken hurts. That’s something everyone chooses to ignore. It’s hard and nights like these remind Harry that Louis isn’t fine, even though he acts like he is most of the time. And Harry doesn’t know what’s wrong and he can’t fix Louis like he wants, all he can do is _be there_ and sometimes he feels like that’s not enough. Like he’s not enough, like he’s failing Louis, but he doesn’t know what else to do. 

They sit in silence for a long while, waiting for Louis to calm down and breathe properly again, for the tears to stop falling and for him to stop pushing Harry away.  
“He never brought me home.” Louis whispers.  
“Who didn’t?” Harry asks, unsure if he wants to know the answer. His entire world stops, including his heart.  
“Him.”  
“Who is him, Lou? Remember you’ve never told me anything.” Harry brushes his hand over Louis’ forehead, moving his fringe from his face, wiping the tears from his eyes.  
Louis shakes his head.  
“I love you, it’s okay. You don’t have to tell me.” Harry is scared. He’s just opened the pandora's box of Louis’ mind and past. He doesn’t want to make old wounds new again and make Louis scared to open up. He’s scared shitless, but he’s here for it. He’s here for all of Louis, including his shitty past.. whatever it may be.

“Let’s get a taxi, yeah? We’re almost home.” Harry says, getting off the ground and lifting Louis up. “I’ll make us some tea and we’ll put in a film and have a proper cuddle, yeah? You don’t have to meet my mum tonight, i’m sure she’s asleep anyway. It’ll be alright, we’re okay my love.” Harry takes Louis’ hand and locks their fingers together. 

“Come on then.” Louis whispers.  
Harry knows they’re going to be alright.

~~

Louis wakes up to a face full of Harry’s hair and the sun beaming through the windows and he’s never felt more home in a place he’s never been. He feels like complete and utter shit and remembers the fiasco last night, making him feel even worse. He slumps down into bed just as Harry rolls over to pull him in closer.  
“Kiss me” Harry mutters, though half asleep, he does know what he wants this early in the morning. (Louis. It’s always Louis.)  
Louis obeys and kisses him gently on the lips and nose and cheeks and eyelashes, covering his face in soft, warm kisses. Harry hums at the touch and barely manages to open his eyes. All Louis sees is green and all he can think about is how in love he is. His eyes remind Louis of fields. Like the English country side, the green neverending, for as long as you can see there’s just green. That’s what Harry’s eyes are like, green forever.  
“Hey.” Harry’s groggy morning voice never fails to get Louis going.  
“Hi.”  
Listening to Harry talk as he first wakes up is the equivalent to morning sex for Louis.  
Harry moves his hand down along Louis’ chest, pinching his nipples and Louis shrieks.  
“Shhh… you’re going to wake my mum.” Harry says smugly.  
“You started it, you little shit bastard.” Louis laughs through the tears of pain. “They’re sensitive”  
That just provokes Harry more. He moves his hand down Louis’ stomach, the skin soft and warm, but causing Louis to shiver in the best of ways possible. Down to his thighs, his thick, muscular thighs that Harry gets off to just thinking about. Louis’ already hard and it’s slightly embarrassing but not really.  
“Harry stop, i’m hard.” Louis whispers as if people are listening to them this early in the morning.

“They can’t hear us.”  
“You don’t know that.”  
“I lived here for 17 years.”  
“So you’re saying you brought home a lot of boys then?” Louis’ snide remarks always get under Harry’s skin.  
Harry goes silent and Louis thinks he’s won.  
“You’re the first boy i’ve ever had in my bed.” Harry whispers so quietly Louis thinks he’s misunderstood.  
“Wha- What? You’re lying.”  
“No i’m not.”  
“This is such an honor. I’ll make sure to not cum all over your sheets tonight.” Louis ruins the moment, as always.  
Harry laughs and pulls him in.  
Louis loves Harry because he doesn’t treat him like something is wrong is with him and doesn’t act like he has a past that haunts him and follows his every move. He treats him like Louis and he never wants to forget the way he makes him feel like he floating. He feels everything so deeply and that’s not always a good thing.  
“You have to meet my mum today.”  
“Who says we can’t just stay here all day, fuck - all break for that matter. She’ll never know we’re even here.”  
“Why don’t you want to meet her Lou?” Harry frowns.  
“It’s not that, god it’s not that at all Harry.” Louis turns on his side to face him.  
“Then what is it?” Harry’s voice is soft and uneasy, he’s usually the one answering the questions... not asking them.  
Louis breathes in long and hard and lets out a deep sigh. The silence following is comfortable, but makes it hard for Harry to breathe, afraid that any noise at all will push Louis away. 

“I thought that was normal. I thought relationships we supposed to hurt.” Louis looks away, his body is with Harry, but his mind off somewhere far away.  
Harry stays quiet. He knows Louis will only say so much, he doesn’t want to take that away.  
“I still feel his hands… how they gripped so hard that it hurt until it didn’t.” His voice is cold and icy, like a dagger to Harry’s heart.  
“His promises were disguised in threats and I was scared.” He tries to turn away, but Harry only pulls him closer.  
“It’s okay, I’m here.” Harry whispers into Louis’ mouth, kissing him so softly he’s not even sure they’re lips are touching.  
“Don’t say his name. Please don’t do it.” Louis is losing his mind and he’s begging to Harry through his tears and he’s trying to get out of his arms and eventually Harry just lets him go. He pushes Harry away and stumbles out of bed, going for the door but remembers he doesn’t know where he is and he’s _stuck_. He punches the door and falls to the floor, with a bloody hand and tears streaming down his face all Harry hears is “why am I like this, i’m sorry Harry, fuck i’m so sorry” and that’s all it takes. Harry takes Louis in his arms and just holds him. He’s never seen this side of Louis and he’s never been more scared than he is, but he’s more scared for Louis than himself because this seems more serious than Harry ever thought and he’s just scraped the surface. Now he understands why Zayn thanked him every chance he got, because for a little while the breakdowns stopped, the hurting stopped, the memories stopped. Everything bad that ever happened was just like a bad dream that Louis finally woke up from, but remission can’t last forever.. something had to bring him crashing back down, it was only a matter of time. Harry gets it now.  
“I don’t know his name, sweets. And I don’t want to know it, because he was a bad person, but you have me and I won’t hurt you. God Louis, I could never touch you in any way other than a loving one.” Harry holds back his tears and ignores the break in his heart, this isn’t about him.

 

“How can you touch me?”  
“What?” Harry’s confused and he’s rubbing circles in Louis’ back with his trembling hands.  
“How can you love someone who’s dirty? Who’s been touched by hands that weren’t loving ones?” Louis chokes over his words.  
“You’re not dirty to me, Lou.”  
There’s a knock on the door and Louis catches his breath, afraid of who’s on the other side and how long they’ve lingered there.  
“H, breakfast is ready when you guys are!” Anne’s voice is gentle and calming, it feels like a mum’s voice should. And fuck, does Louis really miss his mum right about now.  
“We’ll be down soon!” Harry says like they’re not having a crisis on the other side of the door.  
“Louis, he may of touched your body on the outside, but he didn’t touch your heart. He didn’t touch your soul. Two of the most beautiful things about you remain untouched by him because he didn’t bother with them. That’s something I have over him… I’ve got him beat.” Louis looks at him with starry eyes, glistening from the tears, and manages a smile.  
“Come on now love, let’s get cleaned up and see what my mum has made for breakfast.” Harry’s absentmindedly gliding his hand down Louis’ cheek, only stopping to kiss his lips.  
“Hey Harry…” Louis’ voice cracks.  
Harry flicks his eyes upward, green meeting blue.  
“Thank you.” The twinkle in his eyes sets Harry’s heart aglow.

~~~

Harry’s mum has set out an array of breakfast foods and treats, causing the kitchen to smell of sweets and peppermint. The candles scattered across the house make it feel like a proper home, like they’re being wrapped in a big fuzzy blanket. The pictures hung on all the walls make Louis feel secure, like he’s in a home where his boyfriend is loved and appreciated and that makes his heart warm. Harry takes Louis by the hand and leads him down the carpeted stairs, each step making Louis’ heartbeat a little faster. “Harry, don’t go so fast.” Louis whispers.  
“I’m going at a normal pace, love.” He rolls his eyes and turns to look back at Louis, reassuring him it’ll be okay.  
Before Louis can complain about anything else they’ve reached the bottom of the staircase and he sees Harry’s mum.  
She’s effortlessly beautiful, just like Harry, her dark, chocolate hair falling into her face whilst she whisks pancake batter. He sees Gemma. Her name fits her quite perfectly. She is a gem. The whole Styles family was blessed with some impressive genetics, it’s like being in a house with 3 roses and he’s the thorn stuck between them all. He feels out of place, really. Harry hates when he talks down on himself, so he tends to just think it. Anne looks up and her immediate reaction is to run over to them. A smile so big she can barely speak, she manages some words though. “Louis! So nice to finally meet you precious!” She takes him in for a long, warm hug. When he pulls away, she only pulls tighter. He thinks it’s some type of reassurance, a motherly thing. Did Harry tell her? Before he can think too long about it, she’s pulled away and is just stood there admiring the two of them.  
“Harry, my boy. My sweet, sweet boy.” Her voice is warm like honey and it sounds like home. Harry hugs his mum like it’s been a century since he last saw her. He wouldn’t admit to Louis, but he was nervous bringing Louis home. Not for the fact that he was worried, he was just scared. He’s never brought a boy home to meet his family. He’s never had a serious boyfriend at all. It’s overwhelming for the both of them, all for different reasons, but they’re both feeling the same nervousness in their tummy and jump in their hearts. 

Gemma is more low key about it all, not wanting to act like it’s a big deal, even though it is, which is comforting. She hugs them both, tells Louis he’s better looking than Harry described and goes back to setting plates on the table. Louis likes her, thinks they’ll get on well. 

~  
Breakfast goes by in flashes of pink and scenes of Harry’s smile, the feeling of Harry’s hand resting on his thigh, letting him know he’s _there_ , his brain is filled with glitter and confetti, little tiny hearts floating all around, filling any available space. His hands are tingly and his legs lost circulation as soon as he sat down, his tummy hasn’t stopped doing flips since they got on the train last night and he really wishes he could feel normal. He’s happy. He’s content and satisfied with his life, but there’s always thoughts of _what if_ in the back of his mind. It’s not that he thinks Harry is like _him_ , but he never thought _he_ was like he was. It’s screwed him over, he’s fucked really.  
“Was’ wrong?” Harry mumbles into Louis’ chest.  
They’re laid out in bed again, trying to enjoy time together before they all go out to dinner tonight and meet Harry’s dad. Something Louis is trying really hard to distract himself from.  
“Nothin’.”  
“Talk to me.” The sigh Harry lets out isn’t of aggravation, it came with ease. Louis wants to be better. He wants to be fixed, and he knows that if he wants to feel genuinely happy he’ll have to open up, completely.  
His only excuse to not have sex with Harry after this long is that he just “doesn’t want to”. They both know that’s a lie, but Harry hasn’t questioned him or forced anything, which Louis figures has been a good enough excuse up until things became serious. He met his fucking mum and his only excuse to not take the next step is pathetic.  
“You’ll think i’m like, being a baby, or summat.” Louis is repulsed by the tone of his own voice.  
“Would never. You’re my _baby_ , but you’re not _a_ baby”  
Louis laughs and shakes his head, he’s in love with a right weirdo. He lays there for a minute or two, maybe a century, he’s not really sure how much time passes, but he knows it’s eating away at Harry’s heart. He sighs a long, yet slightly loud sigh and presses up on the bed, propping himself up on the pillow. Right. Now’s the time.

“He was… horrible.” He racks his brain for another word, a better word, but comes up empty handed. “It’s like I was drowning, but the only thought on my mind was that I was glad it was just water because water can’t hurt me like he did.”  
“Jesus Christ, Lou…” Harry’s eyes flicker, but not in the way Louis likes.  
“It’s like I was trapped in a glass box with no way out and I could see freedom, it was right bloody there, but I couldn’t get out because the walls were too high, and I wasn’t even sure I wanted out at that point. He was all I knew. He was familiar, but for all the wrong reasons.”  
Harry’s body is completely numb, he tries to move his arms to comfort Louis, but they’re lifeless. It’s like he’s made out of rubber, his whole body is a balloon and he’s filled with helium, if he even takes a breathe his whole body will explode.  
“He hurt me, Harry.” He doesn’t have to say anything else because the way Harry’s breath hitches says enough.  
Louis’ heart could beat out of his chest, but it feels so good to just let it out, to stop keeping it bottled inside. He feels a weight lifted off, like he’s been holding his breath for the past few months and he can finally just sigh in relief. He can breathe. He’s no longer walking on eggshells.

“Lou, why didn’t you tell me?”  
“Didn’t want you to run the other way when you found out I had a _past_...”  
Harry just shakes his head in disbelief, unable to even look Louis in the eyes.  
“I want to hurt him. I want to egg his flat. I want to slash his tires. I want to do _something_.”  
“Yeah... well, join the club. Perrie and Zayn used to have a hate list and wrote down all the horrible things they wanted to do to him. You should suggest those ones, I’m sure they’d love it.” Louis plays it all off as a joke. Coping mechanism? Maybe. Is he okay? Probably not.

~~

Dinner with Harry’s dad went rather smoothly considering the bomb Louis dropped earlier, so they were both in a state of dreaming, not really all there. Louis probably said some really stupid shit, but then again, he always really stupid shit. They walk through their bedroom door, kick their shoes off, and flop onto the bed like they’ve gone and run a marathon or something. 

“Lou…” Harry whispered.  
“‘Mm?”  
“I wouldn’t hurt you. You know that right?” The concern in his voice is more evident than he’d like.  
“I know, love.” Louis says, reaching for Harry’s hands. “Don’t really wanna talk, prefer sleep.”  
Harry sighs, looking down at the little person curled around him, wondering how anyone in the entire universe could look at him and want to hurt him intentionally. He takes his phone from his pocket and texts Zayn. 

_i get it now. dont worry, he’s safe x_

He gets it. He understands why Zayn was constantly on his ass for treating Louis so well. Why he always lingered around when Harry first started to come over. He understands why Zayn has always protected Louis from him. Zayn was there when all of this happened. Zayn lived through it first hand, he saw Louis at his very lowest point and he’s doing anything in his power to make sure it never happens again. In some ways Harry wishes he couldve been there, that he couldve been the one taking care of Louis all those nights, that he could’ve kissed away the pain and held him close when he needed someone. He knows that it’s pointless to feel bad about not being there, there’s no way that they could’ve met any sooner, but Louis is his, and he feels shit that he couldn’t always be there to protect him from the bad guys. He knows that he can’t make all the pain and memories magically go away, that he can’t fix Louis, and that in some ways, he’s of no help at all, but that doesn’t stop the worrying. So he lays there, with a sleeping Louis wrapped around him, staring at the ceiling until it turns to fuzzy colors, thinking of every way possible he can prove himself to Louis. That’s when he gets an idea. 

“Louis, Lou wake up.” Harry shakes him softly.  
“Wha- What the fuck is it?” Louis’ not one for being woken up when he’s trying to sleep.  
“Let’s get away. Me and you. Let’s go somewhere, let’s do something. Just the two of us. Let’s go on an adventure.” Harry’s never had a better idea than this one.  
“Where the hell would we go?”  
“Anywhere. We’ve got an entire month to do whatever we want, why should we waste it away in boring ‘ole Cheshire?”  
Louis shakes his head, he’s not one for adventure. Not anymore.  
“Roadtrip. Louis let’s take a roadtrip!”  
“We don’t have a car.” Louis is racking his brain trying to think up more reasons that this is a horrible idea, but he has none.  
“My old one, I left it here when I went to Uni. We have a car. We’ve been saving money for a few months. Come on Lou, pleeeease. It’d be so much fun and you’d get your mind off everything.” Harry’s begging at this point.  
Louis’ silent for a moment and Harry expects the worst, but when he hears a “fine” he knows they’re about to have the best month of their life.  
He pulls Louis in and kisses his mouth until he’s sure their lips are bruised and different shades of violet and blue. “Brilliant.”

♡♡♡


End file.
